I realised after going on a shopping expedition recently to purchase a new cardigan, it is my children who are 3 years old and 19 months old who decide what my fashion choices will be.

I was eyeing up a lovely thick burgundy cardigan in one of the high street shops and was inches away from buying it, when I realised ‘Oh No! That’s no good it hasn’t got pockets’. I therefore put it back on the hanger, and it wasn’t until I had left the shop with a substitute cardigan that I did not like as much but had pockets, that I suddenly realised my sons snot/bogey/tissue needs were in fact more important than my need to wear nice clothes. I’d subconsciously gone for practical!

I’m a subconscious mum.

I started to think about all the other things that had changed in my life (apart from the obvious) since having children. Things that subconsciously I hadn’t noticed, but they had subtly taken over my conscious every day decision-making.

Automatically crossing my legs when I sneeze – I never used to do this before having children, but now it’s a knee jerk reaction, one that is automatic and a necessity to avoid any unfortunate incidents.

Having to check for bogeys on my clothes before leaving the house – Get up, get dressed and get to work. Life was simple before children. Now on top of the million and one things I do before going out of the house and getting to work part time, I have to remember to do a ‘bogey check’. A quick patting down of my clothes to check there are no sticky/crusty patches of dried snot or shrivelled up bogeys. It is now routinely part of my ‘going out’ process and I don’t even realise I am doing it.

Crying at anyone who is crying, or anything remotely sad – I used to be great at stifling all unwanted emotion. Nope, you wont find me crying in the cinema watching Titanic. When all around me are sobbing, I am found with a stiff upper lip suppressing all my emotions with an expressionless face. (Yes I do suffer from RBF – resting bitch face). However, after children I am an emotional wreck, I’ll cry at anything. I have even managed to cry at You’ve Been Framed? WTF? If I see someone crying (even if I don’t like them) that’s it I’m gone.

Fart fear – Since becoming a mum, when I am at work or using a public toilet and get caught short, everything is fine unless someone comes in at the exact same time as me! I can’t sit down and try for a wee without the fear that a fart will come out! I don’t know what it is, whether it’s because my funnels are bigger or what, but I am sure having 2 children squeezed through my vagina has made me more gassy? This means that sitting down on the loo and relaxing those sphincter muscles may lead to a small expulsion of gas, (fanny fart if you will). I have many a time been the ‘other’ person and found it hard not to stifle a giggle when the poor lady in the cubicle next to me lets one go, but to be the unfortunate wind breaker is just mortifying. You have to either wait it out sitting on the loo praying they do their business and leave quickly so you can sneak out unidentified, or do a runner before they have flushed.

Oscar winning actress – Now I am a mother, I have to remember not to go bat sh*t crazy at anything that scared the crap out of me before my children arrived. Spiders falling on my face, Millipedes climbing over my shoe, NITS, my partners driving, NITS (seriously have you seen a NIT picture). There is no rehearsal, no second or third take it is an instant live performance, and one you have to totally nail! Forget an Oscar for Helen Mirren being a Queen, try being a petrified mother with a massive spider on your face in front of an anxious 3 year old!

Every food shop must produce a Kinder egg – I do not even need to write this down on my shopping list each week, I know by subliminal messages that if I come back from Asda without a Kinder egg for my boys then I might as well have ripped off Peppa Pigs head and stuffed it down Mr Tumbles throat because some serious sh*t is going to go down.

Anyone else got any subconscious mum moments? The things you do without even having to consciously think about them?