The ages of self-loathing

Has there ever been a time in your life where you have not experienced some form of self-loathing? Feeling obsessed over the way you look and your physical appearance?

I was thinking about it recently and I don’t actually recall any age where self-loathing wasn’t thought about in some form or another.

Looking through my old diaries is basically a car crash cringe fest for the mind. Hilarious and horrific in equal measures and looking back with adult eyes it is full of self-loathing thoughts.

The Ages of self-loathing

The teenage years; as a 14-year-old girl obsessing over the spots on my face, I had a daily blemish count. On the 3rd August 1993 there were 40. ‘Why can’t spots be on your arse I wrote, where nobody can see them.’? Which is funny to read now, as what do you know I got what I wished for at nearly 40 years old I have spots on my arse and not my face #winner.

The 20’s; I move onto obsessing over the fat on my thighs in my next self-loathing rant. ‘Oh I wish I had slimmer thighs and a smaller bum’. I actually even purchased a thigh master!

The ages of self-loathing

Can you remember them?? Annoying things that popped out if you could not maintain the strength in your thigh muscles to keep them still. Trying desperately with my dodgy knees to tone up my wobbly upper legs and saggy arse.

The 30’s; is all about the cellulite, using creams, exfoliating gloves, massage and prayer to get rid of the orange peel skin. I even ordered a cellulite busting book from America through my mum’s old catalogue and excitedly waited the 3 months for it to arrive.

I was sure that there must be a magic cure if I looked hard enough and yes I did buy into the marketing ploys of all the major beauty companies about the next miracle cream.

Now nearing my 40’s; it’s all about the face. Where did all these wrinkles come from? If I stand in front of a mirror and squish my face up I can only describe the image of a Chinese Shar-Pei looking back at me bemused at where my youth went.

I was not aware what jowls even were but it seems that I am getting them! I had to google it and instantly wished I hadn’t. Don’t get me started on the age spots, when did I become old enough to even get those? I thought it was just a really big freckle that had appeared at the side of my eye.

The 50’s? I am guessing that will be boobs – the words saggy, limp and wilting spring to mind.

The 60’s? I am thinking the hair that is already turning grey in places will be a complete covering of white.

The 70’s? Well I tell you what, I refuse to entertain any more thoughts of self-loathing and I will be one of those people you see in Benidorm on the mobility scooters being filmed for pensioners behaving badly in the sun.

I want to say screw you to the ages of self-loathing, I think I need to embrace the things I do like about my physical appearance like my eyes, my ears and my lower calves. (don’t laugh)

I don’t want to give a sh*t what I look like as it really doesn’t matter in the whole scheme of things. I need to just except this is me, this is what I look like and who gives a fudge.

 

 

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This Mum's Life
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16 Replies to “The ages of self-loathing”

  1. Reminds me of our topless pics in Benidorm and the skinny dipping….when we thought we were fat!
    Oh how I wish I was as fat now as I was when then – when I thought I was fat! Xx

  2. The ironic thing is that I thought I was fat and wobbly in my 20s. I would now give a limb to look like I did in my 20s – apart from the questionable hair. Pre-GHDs my hair defied all logic. There is always something isn’t there? Like you’ve said here I am staring down the barrel of 40 now and all of a sudden I have bags under my eyes suitable to hold spare change. So this is the new fixation. “Get me some wonder eye-fixer immediately!” I shout, until something else starts to fall off and then I’ll be worrying about that. The cosmetic industry is making a small fortune out of our self loathing and I applaud and agree with you whole-heartedly. Let’s just stop doing it to ourselves. Love this post. Thanks for linking to #DreamTeam x

    1. Ha ha totally with you on that!! I look at the pictures when I thought I was fat and just cant believe how not fat I really was, and how I would wish to be that not fat again instead of being actually as fat as I now am! I’ve been investing in No7 under eye liquid concealer for my bags but nothing hides them, these are bags for life that I didnt even pay 5p for but still cant give back. xx

  3. Oh Nicky I’m crying!! Being in my 40s too I hear you! And don’t mention the howl word – just how ugly does that sound! I’ve started having a course of Caci on the jowl area and I refuse to let the beautician refer to it as a jowl lift as can’t bear the word! By the way caci is brilliant!! #DreamTeam

    1. Oh really? Fab thank you for the tip I will definitely be looking into caci then, Im with you on the word thing it’s def up there with moist 🙁 xx

  4. Funny how all of these things are universal!
    I’m trying desperately to find one thing about myself each day to love and it does work. Im also thinking of installing those 1970s smoked glass mirrors all over my house…
    #DreamTeam

    1. Now hang on a minute you are onto something there! 1970’s smoked glass mirror come back!! You would make a fortune!! I’ll order 5 please 🙂 xx

  5. Yes, I think we’ve all dealt with some form of self-loathing. I know that I have always gone through it too. Now, I wish I would have appreciated my body when it did look good!

    1. Yep totally agree with you, sometimes when I look back at photos I think ‘You silly girl’ all that time worrying and writing into a diary about a few zits!! xx

  6. We can be far too hard on ourselves when it comes to our appearance. My big obsession now that I’m in my 30s is the many chin and lip hairs that are suddenly appearing on my face – I spend far too much time plucking them just to have them grow back a day later! #DreamTeam

    1. Oh yes hairs!!! That reminds me of a hilarious moment where my sister had a chin hair dangling down that must have been half a meter long! I said you’ve got something dangling from your chin and went to pull it off when it was actually attached!! She was mortified but I think I nearly wet myself through laughing!! xx

  7. You’re so right. My diaries are a cringe-fest too!! We just seem to go from one hang up to another. I’m really going to try harder to drop them though,so much wasted energy #DreamTeam

    1. Indeed I want to go back to my teenage self and shake her by the shoulders in a ‘Good god woman pull yourself together’ kind of way. All the stupid things I worried about were like you say a complete waste of energy xx

  8. I totally agree. Why do we do this to ourselves. My constant little inner voice says “you are not good enough”. Why? It nearly won in 2015 but luckily I crawled back from the edge. #dreamteam

    1. It’s crazy isn’t it!? I’m so glad that you came back from the edge they say a positive thought is much more powerful than a negative one so I try and switch it around in my head if it gets too much xx

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