Fifty Shades of Mum

After watching the new Fifty Shades Darker movie with a bunch of girlfriends, I couldn’t help but write a few words about the experience.

When I watched the first film I remember feeling slightly disappointed that it was not as good as I had imagined it was going to be. (Like having a baby and wondering what the hell do I do with this?) So when we all decided to see the second film, I went with an open mind and a renewed sense of hope that it would be better.

It was better, a lot better but what surprised me was I just could not help thinking at nearly every scene ‘Oh you wait till you have two kids’, ‘This will all be different then’ and it got me thinking what fifty shades of mum would be like in the third film?


Oh how we all laughed at your perfectly matched underwear, and the military operation you would have gone through to get into the stocking and suspenders ensemble.

After two kids that will be big knickers from Marks and Spencer’s with a beige bra from Asda that always pokes you in the boob with the annoying underwire bit!


After two kids your idea of bondage will be trying not to get caught up in the pull along Thomas while having a quickie in the front room amongst all the toys and general cr*p that is piled up in every room that your children insists is integral to their childhood and cannot be given to charity.

The ‘Red Room’ will become the ‘Random room of sh*t’ which will no longer be home to dangly ropes and handcuffs which pose a serious health and safety risk but it will be full of board games with the dice missing, jigsaws with half the pieces missing, cars with the wheels missing, plastic action figures with their clothes missing and 1000’s of Kinder egg ‘surprise’ pieces of plastic rubbish that can never be chucked out for fear of a serious tantrum meltdown.

Sex Toys

The days of using love eggs are over, mainly because after two kids it will be doubtful that you can get any big enough. The weird stuff that you used to use on each other will be packed away and shoved in the loft or better still burned in the gardens fire pit so the children will never come running into your room holding a vibrator asking ‘What’s this mummy?’

That weird contraption you used in movie number two which looked like you were getting in stirrups to have a baby will no longer have a use as to try and have a go after two kids will result in a fanny fart, cramp and a dislocated knee.


Those moments you ‘came’ after about 5 seconds of being touched by Mr Grey will be a thing of the past. One because this is real life and that doesn’t happen, and two because after kids for you to achieve an orgasm will become increasingly difficult.

This is because you will actually have to have sex, or at least something that resembles a sexual act and with two kids you will probably have more time and inclination to watch ‘The Jump’ than have some ‘Kinky F*ckery’ after a long day.

My dearest Anastasia

Enjoy the next 12 months with Mr Grey before movie number three is released, and make the most of it, because soon the babies will start to arrive and you will be swearing under your breath at 2am at Mr Grey when he is snoring his head off and you are on your seventh version of ‘The Octonauts them tune’ with your adorable wide awake baby.

P.S If you are a man reading this, you probably think woman like fifty shades for the sex, the money and the lavish lifestyle.  If you are a woman reading this you know that we like it because Mr Grey makes the woman he loves feel like she is the only woman in the world to ever exist and he tells and shows her that he has never loved anyone like he loves her.

Why not go and make the woman in your life feel like they are Anastasia Steele just for a little while….?

P.P.S Dear Mr Grey this is 2017, if you’re asking for a Sub, you’re getting a Meatball Marinara

Here’s to being a mummy and to our own inner 50 shades.

Do you have any 50 shades of mum stories? What did you think of the film?

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